I am thinking of getting a sign and I don’t mean a message from God (although that would be nice because I would make a fortune). Neither do I intend to erect one of those hideous boards outside of my house to tell the world that I am about to sell the property. Having just redecorated almost every room I think it would be prudent to stick around to enjoy the place for a bit. What I want is one or maybe a handful of those amusing signs that you can get for the house which convey your thoughts without you having to speak.

Being Blunt

The trouble is that what I really need is some quite blunt missives. I wonder if anyone makes a sign that says “Don’t interrupt me while I’m working because I am liable to stab you to death”? This would be my preferred choice to hang on the door of my home office which a certain person who will remain nameless thinks is actually a room where you waste time doing nothing of any importance. Clearly he must think like this otherwise he wouldn’t blunder in every few minutes when I am trying to concentrate on my latest Pulitzer Prize winning piece! Besides being quite keen to earn my living, I am also fairly anxious to avoid committing a murder although I would have plenty of time to write if I were serving a life sentence.

Going Nautical

Perhaps “Do not disturb” might suffice where the home office is concerned although I fear not. I really need something apposite for the spare bedroom too which is currently occupied free of charge by my friend. I decorated the room in the New England style and added a few nautical finishing touches so something nautical in style would be perfect. I have seen those cute driftwood signs that say “Gone to the beach” which would be rather charming if deeply unlikely in Berkshire, but something a little more personal would be even better. “Get up you lazy, freeloading git” sounds good or perhaps “I would have gone to the beach if my work hadn’t been ruined by constant interruptions”.

Being Bitter

Heavens I am sounding bitter! I will have to counterbalance my vitriolic outpourings with a few slightly more welcoming observations. Otherwise I am going to scare the living daylights out my visitors who will be reading my messages and expecting my head to explode at any moment. There are some lovely signs that say “home is where the heart is” for instance. This would be perfect except that my heart is actually somewhere on that sunny beach that I haven’t gone too because I am still working.

Toilet Problems

On a more serious note there are actually some really great signs for the home and I think every home would benefit from some useful signage or amusing thoughts. Especially one of my friend’s houses where people have a habit of walking into the broom cupboard instead of the loo. A one word sign would do the trick right there and I suggest that this word should be “Toilet”. In the case of my home I fear that the sign most people would like to see is “Exit”!

Article by Sally Stacey